My personal Everest

I kind of feel like I just climbed Mt. Everest. It's a weird thing. It's something that alot of people would never understand. But to me, it's a big dang deal.

I was as close as I've ever been in my life to fireworks last night. And I hate loud noises. I have an intense fear of them. I have since I was a little kid, about three years old or so.

See one time I was hanging out in the garage with my dad while he was working on his old car the Ford. And I was playing around up in his attic when the air hose popped off of his compressor. It made a loud bang and then made a hissing noise. Dad immediately comforted me. Now I don't remember this incident actually, but I remember that after that time, just the risk of loud noises was enough to send me into hysterics. It didn't help that the neighbor boys knew about this and would torture me by popping balloons practically in my face. That just added to the problem.

One year for Girl Scouts we were in the Heights parade. Guess what we got stuck behind? A sheriff shooting off an air gun every 20 or so feet. I still have family members reminding me about how when we walked by there I was with my fingers in my ears crying.

It got easier to just avoid it anytime there would be a potential for noises to bother me. So, we never went to fireworks. On our many trips to Disney World, we'd be out of the park before they started. I never wanted balloons for my birthdays. I started bringing ear plugs to events like the circus or even plays where gunshots were a possibilty. I feel bad that it was a bit of a burden on my parents over the years as there were plenty of times they either missed out or had to deal with me getting upset.

As I got older it got a little better. The ear plugs made a huge difference. And sometimes the psychological feelings were worse than the actual noises. Still, I continued avoidance practices if at all possible. We had fireworks at homecoming almost every year I was in school and every year I'd go inside before the end of the game just to avoid them. Soon the burden was Nate's - he has always been extremely understanding, but he's had to deal with me now instead of mom and dad!

So, last night, we were at an event where we could see a number of shows from quite far away. And then we noticed we could see them from another side of the building and they were with in a couple of miles. And while we were inside, the windows were open and it was loud. But, I remembered to bring ear plugs and I sat there just mesmerized. I realized what I had been missing out on all these years. And, I felt proud. I never got the hyperventilation I tend to experience when I know that loud noises are imminent. I even found that after awhile, I got used to the booms and was instead just appreciating the beauty of the whole thing.

It gave me hope that after all these years I just might finally have outgrown my worst childhood anxiety. I'm not going to go shooting guns or anything, but I feel like I have acheived something. And it's a nice feeling to start my week with. My own little Everest.

1 comment:

Jes said...

Way to go!! I'm proud of you! Those fireworks were really fun to watch weren't they?? ;)