I've been trying to find the words to write this post and I still don't think I have them. I'm going to give it a try though since it's part of the healing/grieving process.
Thursday I went over to my parents for my usual lunch hour. My mom came out of the bathroom when I came in the door and she was crying. My heart sank. "I think Cleo had a stroke," she said. I started to cry a little too, though somehow, those words weren't terribly shocking to hear. I have a weird, almost creepy sixth sense about this kind of stuff and I had been having a feeling for a couple of weeks that this was coming.
We sat down and started talking and I told my mom it was time to let her go. The vet had always said we'd know when it was time, and based on the symptoms my mom was describing, it was clearly time. Cleo was sleeping, rather unresponsive, not able to walk. We agreed that neither of us wanted her to be suffering. My dad needed convincing though, he was sort of thinking she might snap out of it, as she has with several other issues over the last couple of years, but it was pretty clear this time that it wasn't going to happen. So, I finished lunch and I left mom when she said she'd be ok and she said she'd talk to my dad about it and hopefully do what was necessary, maybe even that afternoon.
Unfortunately, it drug out to Friday morning. But, my dad came around and agreed that it was time and they got her in on Friday around 10:00 am. She was more or less sleeping and out of it, and thankfully did not appear to be in any pain. The vet said they were making the right decision, difficult as it was. With my parents by her side, she went very peacefully. The vet staff were extremely kind during the entire process. They even took back some of her unused special diet kidney food and took all of her medications to be destroyed.
I came for lunch on Friday and painful as it was, was hoping it was over. I made my peace with it on Thursday and said my goodbyes, not really feeling I wanted to be there at the very end. I just hoped that she was suffering no longer. And I came in the door and found my poor mom packing up all her old stuff and I knew it was done. And we cried some more, but we again agreed this was the right thing to do and she's in a better place.
Again, I'm sad about it, but I'm not overcome with grief. I'm sure it's because, as my mom said, she really was more her cat for the last ten or so years as I was busy with college and getting married and then moving out. Or maybe I'm just numb right now, but I think that it would be different if I was still there every day. I think it'll hit me more when my parents go out of town in a couple of weeks and I go get the mail for them and she won't be there.
My mom was having a hard time over the first couple of days and I think she will be sad for awhile to come, but she is getting better each day. Getting used to the new normal. We went out for some retail therapy on Saturday (well she did, I just drove since I'm still on shopping ban for Lent) and just spent some much needed time together and I think it helped a bit.
They will not get another pet. At least not in the foreseeable future. They are also finding the positives in the situation, such as now they can be a bit more spontaneous, if they want to drive up north for the day and stay the night, they don't have to worry about having someone come care for the cat. Little things like that. And they said that they have their "grand-kitties" (my cats) to come love on whenever they need a kitty fix.
Still, it is strange right now. I sat over there for lunch yesterday and kept seeing shadows and thinking she'd be coming around the corner. My mom said she's used to looking out for her when she's doing stuff in the kitchen, because she'd always be underfoot, so that feels weird right now too.
The only thing that helps is time. I know that it will get easier each day and I can already see my mom getting better with each day.
We have wonderful memories. She was a sweet and very special cat. And she will be missed and loved forever. She'll always be our queen of the house.
Side note - go here for a post I wrote reflecting on Cleo a bit a couple of years ago around the anniversary of when we adopted her.
Showing posts with label Memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Memories. Show all posts
3/27/12
3/22/12
Time flies in the best of ways
Even 14 years in I can't forget this day. No we don't celebrate it anymore but I can still never forget what happened 14 years ago today. I've spent almost half my life loving this man.
Senior Prom - 2000
Winery trip Fall 2011
Could I possibly love him more?
Yep. Every single day for the last 14 years I've loved him more than the last.
And I always will.
11/15/11
Just Write: Birthday Memories
So I have definitely accepted the whole "turning 30" thing that is happening next week. I really have. Well, mostly. I'm sure I'll have some weak moments yet. But I really do feel ok with it for the most part.
That doesn't mean I'm not contemplative though about it. Especially when over the weekend I realized, I have celebrated 30 birthdays. That seems like so many all of a sudden. I don't remember my birthdays real well until I was probably 4 or 5.
Each year we did a family party, usually with my grandma and my two favorite aunts and their families. When I got into elementary school, I was allowed to have a friend party as well. And of course, when I got together with Nate, birthdays took on a whole new life, because of his being the day after mine. We started celebrating them with both of our families and having parties with our friends together from pretty much the first year we were dating.
I have many memorable birthday experiences that stick out in my head as I reflect on 30 years worth of them. Some good, some not so good.
The year my dad was helping someone with their electrical work and it started snowing and he was late getting home. The party with my friends when I lost my first tooth in a cupcake but started crying because I thought I swallowed it. The year my mom dropped my cake face down on the floor and had to make a new one in a very short amount of time. Celebrating one year over at my grandma's house because we were remodeling my parents house and the downstairs was all torn up. The sleepover party I had in middle school and two of my friends took off in the middle of the night while the rest of us were sleeping because they were mad at us and my mom having a near heart attack in the morning and regretted taking Ny-Quill for her cold the night before.
Having my first ever sleepover party in 4th grade. Going on my first "grown up" birthday date with my parents to the Mall of America when I turned 11. Sorry for this one boys - "becoming a woman" on my 12th birthday(true story, both embarrassing, but yet kind of special). Having my first boy/girl party for my Sweet 16. Going out for special dinners with Nate. Gambling at Hinckley for the first time when we turned 18. Going out drinking for our 21st and let's just say we laughed a lot. Another college birthday when a fellow sorority sister stole a martini glass for me from Applebees for my present. Celebrating my golden birthday with friends and family at the bowling alley. Having birthday tiramasu from Buca one year instead of birthday cake. Going out with girlfriends for an epic night out to visit Santa and get fancy desserts in the middle of a big snowstorm. Nights of mayhem at Psycho Suzi's. Taking a weekend getaway with Nate to Duluth a couple of years back.
So many good times and even the "less good times" I pretty much look back and laugh at because they are kind of funny when you think about it.
As we've gotten older, and especially since Oktoberfest has become so hugely epic and it is one month before our birthdays, we've kind of scaled back our celebrations a bit, and I don't mind it so much. We still take time to celebrate with just each other and we always celebrate with our family. Plus, we have always had the challenge of our birthdays usually falling smack in the middle of Thanksgiving weekend. Now, when we were kids, this was awesome because you got days off from school! For your birthday! Now, it just kind of throws a wrench into planning too much, especially because Nate usually has relatives in from out of town. But at the same time, I somehow just don't mind that much. I couldn't imagine NOT having birthdays around Thanksgiving at this point in time. It just feels right.
So here I am just 10 days away from my 30th birthday and it is almost crazy to think I've done this 29 other times. It really doesn't make me sad though. It makes me smile to think of all the wonderful ways I've been blessed in my almost 30 years. That's not a bad way to look at it, don't you think?
Linking up to "Just Write" today.
Visit The Extraordinary Ordinary to add your own Just Write post or to read others!
That doesn't mean I'm not contemplative though about it. Especially when over the weekend I realized, I have celebrated 30 birthdays. That seems like so many all of a sudden. I don't remember my birthdays real well until I was probably 4 or 5.
Each year we did a family party, usually with my grandma and my two favorite aunts and their families. When I got into elementary school, I was allowed to have a friend party as well. And of course, when I got together with Nate, birthdays took on a whole new life, because of his being the day after mine. We started celebrating them with both of our families and having parties with our friends together from pretty much the first year we were dating.
I have many memorable birthday experiences that stick out in my head as I reflect on 30 years worth of them. Some good, some not so good.
The year my dad was helping someone with their electrical work and it started snowing and he was late getting home. The party with my friends when I lost my first tooth in a cupcake but started crying because I thought I swallowed it. The year my mom dropped my cake face down on the floor and had to make a new one in a very short amount of time. Celebrating one year over at my grandma's house because we were remodeling my parents house and the downstairs was all torn up. The sleepover party I had in middle school and two of my friends took off in the middle of the night while the rest of us were sleeping because they were mad at us and my mom having a near heart attack in the morning and regretted taking Ny-Quill for her cold the night before.
Having my first ever sleepover party in 4th grade. Going on my first "grown up" birthday date with my parents to the Mall of America when I turned 11. Sorry for this one boys - "becoming a woman" on my 12th birthday(true story, both embarrassing, but yet kind of special). Having my first boy/girl party for my Sweet 16. Going out for special dinners with Nate. Gambling at Hinckley for the first time when we turned 18. Going out drinking for our 21st and let's just say we laughed a lot. Another college birthday when a fellow sorority sister stole a martini glass for me from Applebees for my present. Celebrating my golden birthday with friends and family at the bowling alley. Having birthday tiramasu from Buca one year instead of birthday cake. Going out with girlfriends for an epic night out to visit Santa and get fancy desserts in the middle of a big snowstorm. Nights of mayhem at Psycho Suzi's. Taking a weekend getaway with Nate to Duluth a couple of years back.
So many good times and even the "less good times" I pretty much look back and laugh at because they are kind of funny when you think about it.
As we've gotten older, and especially since Oktoberfest has become so hugely epic and it is one month before our birthdays, we've kind of scaled back our celebrations a bit, and I don't mind it so much. We still take time to celebrate with just each other and we always celebrate with our family. Plus, we have always had the challenge of our birthdays usually falling smack in the middle of Thanksgiving weekend. Now, when we were kids, this was awesome because you got days off from school! For your birthday! Now, it just kind of throws a wrench into planning too much, especially because Nate usually has relatives in from out of town. But at the same time, I somehow just don't mind that much. I couldn't imagine NOT having birthdays around Thanksgiving at this point in time. It just feels right.
So here I am just 10 days away from my 30th birthday and it is almost crazy to think I've done this 29 other times. It really doesn't make me sad though. It makes me smile to think of all the wonderful ways I've been blessed in my almost 30 years. That's not a bad way to look at it, don't you think?
Linking up to "Just Write" today.
Visit The Extraordinary Ordinary to add your own Just Write post or to read others!
9/11/11
Where were you when the world stopped turning?
I awoke on a clear day with a clear head - in fact, it was the clearest my head had felt in months. I had just made a major path change in my life, changing my college major and I felt like it was the first day of the rest of my life.
I still lived at my parents house. I came downstairs and showered, ate breakfast and still had some time to kill before I needed to get over to campus. I was sitting at the bottom of the stairs and my mom said "so do you just feel like a giant weight has been lifted off of you?" referring to the big decision I had reached and discussed with her and my dad the night before. I told her I did and it felt really good. I then said that I had some time to kill and knew that Cosby Show reruns were on one of the local channels, so I thought I'd watch one. I wasn't prepared for what I'd see when I turned on the TV. If I had known that I was about to truly become an adult in the next five minutes, I might have held off a little longer.
Every single channel was covering this disaster in New York. At first it seemed like just a horrible accident. And then the second plane hit. And then they were talking to a spokesman at the Pentagon and he said "I don't want to alarm anyone, but the building here just shook." I couldn't take anymore and decided to go to school. My mom hugged me and said she loved me as if it was the last time she'd ever see me. And I don't blame her. The dialogue replaying over and over in my head at that moment was "This is scary shit."
On the radio as I was driving, they had people calling in saying they knew someone in New York or Washington and the DJs were just scrambling to keep up with coverage. One of them at one point said something that scared me even more "What if this is all just some distraction before something bigger happens?" Bigger? Like nuclear bombs? Not much else could have been bigger than this.
Somehow I parked my car and stumbled to campus. I was going to get a signature from my new adviser for a couple of classes of hers I was transferring into. A friend of mine was working in the music library where I had to pass through to get to the communications department. She said hi and was smiling and happy - I realized she still didn't know that the world around us was crumbling. And for some reason, I didn't want to be the one to tell her. Let her enjoy her last free moments of happy innocence. She'd know soon enough.
I got my needed signatures and the middle part of the day is a blur. Each of my professors gave us the option to have real class or to just sit and talk - and in most classes we sat and talked. We talked about what we knew, we talked about our fears. My campus was close to the airport and when the planes were grounded, it got eerily quiet.
My last class of the day was women's choir and we decided to still hold a true rehearsal, which at that point in the day was a welcome break. We ended by singing "Dona Nobis Pacem" which translates to "Grant us Peace." We gave each other hugs.
I drove home and got a phone call from Stef - the president of our sorority wanted our first job as Sisters Chairs to be calling each of the sisters and making sure they were ok. We both agreed that neither one of us wanted to spend the entire night on the phone, so perhaps a mass email would be better, letting them know they could call either of us at any time if they needed to talk.
While waiting for my mom to cook dinner, I watched some more coverage on TV. All of the members of Congress stood on the steps of the Capital building and sang "God Bless America." That is an image I haven't ever been able to forget. My dad came home and started saying things like "well we're probably going oversees and bombing the hell out of some middle Eastern country." He wasn't trying to be crass, everyone was dealing with the day's events in their own way.
I had a faith formation committee meeting at church and I didn't want to go, in fact, I assumed it would be cancelled, but I was wrong. I decided to give it a try, figuring maybe it would be short or something. I ended up leaving after an hour, aside from a quick prayer at the beginning, everyone was ignoring the fact that something significant had happened in our country that day.
I headed home and it was a good thing I did. Nate called shortly after I was home saying he was leaving his evening job early, he just couldn't take anymore, and could he come over for a bit? I said of course and he was there within 15 minutes. We continued watching the coverage on TV and he was unusually subdued. I always looked to him for comfort but in this situation, even he was freaked out. He told me he was scared about if the country went to war, he had friends who would definitely have to go and what if they re-instated the draft? I became angry and upset and for the first time that day, which is surprising really, broke down into tears. I even uttered the words "where is God in all of this?" because, well, it was sure hard to find Him at that moment. Nate calmed me down and reminded me that God was taking care of the victims and their families. And that helped even though I wondered how anything would ever be "ok" ever again.We reluctantly parted for the night and I headed to bed where I lay awake a long time.
Ten years later and I am amazed at all the details I remember about that day. And I know I won't ever forget.
One more recap post coming tomorrow about the days after 9/11 and moving on
I still lived at my parents house. I came downstairs and showered, ate breakfast and still had some time to kill before I needed to get over to campus. I was sitting at the bottom of the stairs and my mom said "so do you just feel like a giant weight has been lifted off of you?" referring to the big decision I had reached and discussed with her and my dad the night before. I told her I did and it felt really good. I then said that I had some time to kill and knew that Cosby Show reruns were on one of the local channels, so I thought I'd watch one. I wasn't prepared for what I'd see when I turned on the TV. If I had known that I was about to truly become an adult in the next five minutes, I might have held off a little longer.
Every single channel was covering this disaster in New York. At first it seemed like just a horrible accident. And then the second plane hit. And then they were talking to a spokesman at the Pentagon and he said "I don't want to alarm anyone, but the building here just shook." I couldn't take anymore and decided to go to school. My mom hugged me and said she loved me as if it was the last time she'd ever see me. And I don't blame her. The dialogue replaying over and over in my head at that moment was "This is scary shit."
On the radio as I was driving, they had people calling in saying they knew someone in New York or Washington and the DJs were just scrambling to keep up with coverage. One of them at one point said something that scared me even more "What if this is all just some distraction before something bigger happens?" Bigger? Like nuclear bombs? Not much else could have been bigger than this.
Somehow I parked my car and stumbled to campus. I was going to get a signature from my new adviser for a couple of classes of hers I was transferring into. A friend of mine was working in the music library where I had to pass through to get to the communications department. She said hi and was smiling and happy - I realized she still didn't know that the world around us was crumbling. And for some reason, I didn't want to be the one to tell her. Let her enjoy her last free moments of happy innocence. She'd know soon enough.
I got my needed signatures and the middle part of the day is a blur. Each of my professors gave us the option to have real class or to just sit and talk - and in most classes we sat and talked. We talked about what we knew, we talked about our fears. My campus was close to the airport and when the planes were grounded, it got eerily quiet.
My last class of the day was women's choir and we decided to still hold a true rehearsal, which at that point in the day was a welcome break. We ended by singing "Dona Nobis Pacem" which translates to "Grant us Peace." We gave each other hugs.
I drove home and got a phone call from Stef - the president of our sorority wanted our first job as Sisters Chairs to be calling each of the sisters and making sure they were ok. We both agreed that neither one of us wanted to spend the entire night on the phone, so perhaps a mass email would be better, letting them know they could call either of us at any time if they needed to talk.
While waiting for my mom to cook dinner, I watched some more coverage on TV. All of the members of Congress stood on the steps of the Capital building and sang "God Bless America." That is an image I haven't ever been able to forget. My dad came home and started saying things like "well we're probably going oversees and bombing the hell out of some middle Eastern country." He wasn't trying to be crass, everyone was dealing with the day's events in their own way.
I had a faith formation committee meeting at church and I didn't want to go, in fact, I assumed it would be cancelled, but I was wrong. I decided to give it a try, figuring maybe it would be short or something. I ended up leaving after an hour, aside from a quick prayer at the beginning, everyone was ignoring the fact that something significant had happened in our country that day.
I headed home and it was a good thing I did. Nate called shortly after I was home saying he was leaving his evening job early, he just couldn't take anymore, and could he come over for a bit? I said of course and he was there within 15 minutes. We continued watching the coverage on TV and he was unusually subdued. I always looked to him for comfort but in this situation, even he was freaked out. He told me he was scared about if the country went to war, he had friends who would definitely have to go and what if they re-instated the draft? I became angry and upset and for the first time that day, which is surprising really, broke down into tears. I even uttered the words "where is God in all of this?" because, well, it was sure hard to find Him at that moment. Nate calmed me down and reminded me that God was taking care of the victims and their families. And that helped even though I wondered how anything would ever be "ok" ever again.We reluctantly parted for the night and I headed to bed where I lay awake a long time.
Ten years later and I am amazed at all the details I remember about that day. And I know I won't ever forget.
One more recap post coming tomorrow about the days after 9/11 and moving on
9/10/11
The End of Innocence
On September 10th, 2001, I awoke with butterflies in my stomach. I knew I had to make a change in my life.
On September 10th, 2001, I was still considering myself a "music major" but after one week of classes in my 2nd year at college I knew that was going to have to change and change fast.
On September 10th, 2001, I drove to campus and made an appointment with an academic adviser. I hadn't talked to my parents yet, but I knew I would have to after the actions I was taking were set in motion.
On September 10th, 2001, I had an entire new schedule planned and left school knowing the next day I would return and get the signatures necessary from professors allowing myself to be transferred into their classes - becoming a Communications Major.
On September 10th, 2001, I worked a shift at my library gig, loving that I could work my schedule around various activities I had in the evenings.
On September 10th, 2001, I drove back to campus to go to the first sorority meeting of the year.
On September 10th, 2001, my good friend Stef and I were elected as Sisters Chair/Inner Sorority Advisers to our sorority - something we had been wanting very badly since the year before.
On September 10th, 2001, I drove home in the dark, nervously and hoping my parents were still up so I could talk to them about my proposed change in major.
On September 10th, 2001, my parents and I sat down and had one of the most adult and level-headed conversations I think we ever had while I was growing up. I talked, they listened. They questioned, I answered. We came to a happy agreement that I was making the right decision even if I was losing my music scholarship. They were still proud of me.
On September 10th, 2001, I went to bed feeling a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and feeling relieved and excited about college again. I felt nothing else could go wrong or stand in my way.
On September 11th, 2001, I woke up and turned on the TV. And from that moment on, while I would still remember them, the events of September 10th, 2001 became the most insignificant and piddly things ever.
More musings on the 9/11 anniversary coming tomorrow
On September 10th, 2001, I was still considering myself a "music major" but after one week of classes in my 2nd year at college I knew that was going to have to change and change fast.
On September 10th, 2001, I drove to campus and made an appointment with an academic adviser. I hadn't talked to my parents yet, but I knew I would have to after the actions I was taking were set in motion.
On September 10th, 2001, I had an entire new schedule planned and left school knowing the next day I would return and get the signatures necessary from professors allowing myself to be transferred into their classes - becoming a Communications Major.
On September 10th, 2001, I worked a shift at my library gig, loving that I could work my schedule around various activities I had in the evenings.
On September 10th, 2001, I drove back to campus to go to the first sorority meeting of the year.
On September 10th, 2001, my good friend Stef and I were elected as Sisters Chair/Inner Sorority Advisers to our sorority - something we had been wanting very badly since the year before.
On September 10th, 2001, I drove home in the dark, nervously and hoping my parents were still up so I could talk to them about my proposed change in major.
On September 10th, 2001, my parents and I sat down and had one of the most adult and level-headed conversations I think we ever had while I was growing up. I talked, they listened. They questioned, I answered. We came to a happy agreement that I was making the right decision even if I was losing my music scholarship. They were still proud of me.
On September 10th, 2001, I went to bed feeling a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and feeling relieved and excited about college again. I felt nothing else could go wrong or stand in my way.
On September 11th, 2001, I woke up and turned on the TV. And from that moment on, while I would still remember them, the events of September 10th, 2001 became the most insignificant and piddly things ever.
More musings on the 9/11 anniversary coming tomorrow
5/27/11
Five
And just like that another year has gone by. I find myself wondering how it is possible that not only has another year gone by, but that we've been married five years. FIVE. That is half of a decade.
But these have been the best five years - even in the not so great times when Nate didn't have a job, I have loved every moment of being married to this wonderful man.
Each year that passes I find it harder to remember every detail of the actual day, but thankfully through pictures and a wedding DVD I'm able to remember most of the important stuff.
Things that still stick out to me even five years later:
It was hot. In the 90's. I do not like heat. It made me a mildly cranky bride, though one of my friends still tells me she can't believe how laid back and zen I was. It has never been that warm on this date since by the way.
I remember I wanted to come off like I was not nervous, but when the moment arrived and my dad walked me down the aisle, my flowers were shaking. Though I clearly remember the first face I saw was actually the best man's wife, who gave me the biggest smile ever and it made me relax.
I remember right in the middle of the ceremony, at a quiet reflective moment, the air conditioner in the church quit. And my wedding coordinator walked to the back of the church as quietly as she could in heels to go trudging up the stairs to turn it back on.
After the ceremony, I remember we couldn't find the limo and panicked for a moment, borrowing my hostess's cell phone to track him down to discover, he was just in the parking lot.
In the limo, I remember Nate's cousin bringing a diaper bag, which considering he had a one month old baby wasn't terribly odd except that this diaper bag, contained bottles of beer. We drank the beer and went to the Wild Onion to kill time before the reception and drank horrible free champagne and someone had the brilliant idea that everyone should do a shot. Queue drunk wedding party.
Back in the limo, being a bit tipsy, I remember chatting with the other bridesmaids, who all had serious boyfriends at the time, about who would get married next and then letting the alcohol talk I spilled the beans to my maid of honor that her boyfriend intended to propose and had already sought her father's permission to ask her. Oops!
Arriving at the reception, we were all pretty well, let's still just say "tipsy" and did the procession in and everyone tells me they knew I was in that state because I was "bouncing".
I remember dancing, laughing, celebrating and leaving feeling so blessed and full of joy to have had such a wonderful day shared by so many people.
I hold on to those memories each passing year, but I don't dwell on it either. Everyone has moments of "if I could go back I would change this", but what is more important to me is where we are now. I love the life we've built together thus far. I love all the things we do together and share with friends and family. I love where we are going in this journey called life.
Plain and simple, I love us.
But these have been the best five years - even in the not so great times when Nate didn't have a job, I have loved every moment of being married to this wonderful man.
Each year that passes I find it harder to remember every detail of the actual day, but thankfully through pictures and a wedding DVD I'm able to remember most of the important stuff.
Things that still stick out to me even five years later:
It was hot. In the 90's. I do not like heat. It made me a mildly cranky bride, though one of my friends still tells me she can't believe how laid back and zen I was. It has never been that warm on this date since by the way.
I remember I wanted to come off like I was not nervous, but when the moment arrived and my dad walked me down the aisle, my flowers were shaking. Though I clearly remember the first face I saw was actually the best man's wife, who gave me the biggest smile ever and it made me relax.
I remember right in the middle of the ceremony, at a quiet reflective moment, the air conditioner in the church quit. And my wedding coordinator walked to the back of the church as quietly as she could in heels to go trudging up the stairs to turn it back on.
After the ceremony, I remember we couldn't find the limo and panicked for a moment, borrowing my hostess's cell phone to track him down to discover, he was just in the parking lot.
In the limo, I remember Nate's cousin bringing a diaper bag, which considering he had a one month old baby wasn't terribly odd except that this diaper bag, contained bottles of beer. We drank the beer and went to the Wild Onion to kill time before the reception and drank horrible free champagne and someone had the brilliant idea that everyone should do a shot. Queue drunk wedding party.
Back in the limo, being a bit tipsy, I remember chatting with the other bridesmaids, who all had serious boyfriends at the time, about who would get married next and then letting the alcohol talk I spilled the beans to my maid of honor that her boyfriend intended to propose and had already sought her father's permission to ask her. Oops!
Arriving at the reception, we were all pretty well, let's still just say "tipsy" and did the procession in and everyone tells me they knew I was in that state because I was "bouncing".
I remember dancing, laughing, celebrating and leaving feeling so blessed and full of joy to have had such a wonderful day shared by so many people.
I hold on to those memories each passing year, but I don't dwell on it either. Everyone has moments of "if I could go back I would change this", but what is more important to me is where we are now. I love the life we've built together thus far. I love all the things we do together and share with friends and family. I love where we are going in this journey called life.
Plain and simple, I love us.
5/25/11
Wordless Wednesday: Five Years in photos
2006
(25th birthday party)
2007
(New Years Eve)
2008
(Bowling night with friends)
2009
2008(Bowling night with friends)
2009
(Pedal Pub)
2010
2010
(Oktoberfest)
2011
2011
(Winterfest)
Oddly, you notice I'm almost always on Nate's right except the last picture - I find that kind of funny. These are only SOME of my many favorite moments of the last five years of our marriage, there are so, SO many more, but we'd be here all day as this post would get wayyyyy too long. :)
5/24/11
A letter to my former self
So, this week Nate and I celebrate five years of marriage - this Friday to be specific. Today through Friday I'll bring a series of posts reflecting on this as five feels like a significant number to me! Today's post, a letter to "bride to be" me.
Dear Bride to Be Beth,
In a few short days you will marry the love of your life and all of your dreams will finally come through. You've waited a long time for this day and I promise you it will be everything you ever wanted and more. However, I'm writing you from the future to offer a bit of advice in these final days. You did nothing wrong, but these are things I wish you'd known then that would've helped just a little bit as you prepared to be someone's wife.
First of all, stop stressing out so much about your current job situation. Yes your church job is being cut to part time. Yes you won't have benefits anymore if you stay. And yes, the job you have interviewed for and really, really want is taking their sweet time getting back to you, but guess what, when you get home from your honeymoon, they are going to call and offer you the job - so relax! Stop thinking about it so much and instead revel in the fact that you are a bride!
Second of all, stop stressing out about the purchase of your house. It might take you a few months, but you and Nate will get everything all figured out and worked out and you'll be homeowners by summer's end. You won't be homeless, you won't have to go live in an apartment. That is your house baby, ain't no one will be taking that away from you!
Third, stop and smell the roses. These moments, they will pass you by so fast. You will be amazed at how quickly it is all over and done. And I know you will cherish every last minute, but the above stresses may hinder you just a little bit. So just try your best. You'll have pictures and videos that will allow you to relive the day, but nothing compares to being there. Being present. Try hard to stay in the moment.
Fourth, it's going to be hot on your wedding day. After a spring filled with rainy cool days (that seemed to fall on every single day you had a wedding shower) it will be in the 90's on May 27th and there is nothing you can do about it. Deal with it. Oh and stop being a brat and go take pictures outside with your bridesmaids. Nate and the boys did it and you're going to regret the fact that you didn't.
And fifth, more for your actual marriage, just remember this boy you are marrying is not a boy. He is a man. He is not perfect and neither are you. Your relationship will be different now that you are living together. There will be moments that you frustrate one another or endure difficulties. But honey, it's normal. And for every moment like those, you will have double in moments of joy and excitement. You'll have wonderful and amazing adventures. Five years into your marriage you will find yourself loving Nate more than you ever thought possible and still growing every single day. And that's what it's really all about.
Love,
Happily married five years Beth
Some of what I wrote to myself is a little tongue and cheek and I just want to say here and now I have ZERO major regrets about our wedding day - but many of those things I wrote about are true and if I could change them, I might. But it truly was the happiest day of my life and I look back on it with nothing but joy in my heart.
Dear Bride to Be Beth,
In a few short days you will marry the love of your life and all of your dreams will finally come through. You've waited a long time for this day and I promise you it will be everything you ever wanted and more. However, I'm writing you from the future to offer a bit of advice in these final days. You did nothing wrong, but these are things I wish you'd known then that would've helped just a little bit as you prepared to be someone's wife.
First of all, stop stressing out so much about your current job situation. Yes your church job is being cut to part time. Yes you won't have benefits anymore if you stay. And yes, the job you have interviewed for and really, really want is taking their sweet time getting back to you, but guess what, when you get home from your honeymoon, they are going to call and offer you the job - so relax! Stop thinking about it so much and instead revel in the fact that you are a bride!
Second of all, stop stressing out about the purchase of your house. It might take you a few months, but you and Nate will get everything all figured out and worked out and you'll be homeowners by summer's end. You won't be homeless, you won't have to go live in an apartment. That is your house baby, ain't no one will be taking that away from you!
Third, stop and smell the roses. These moments, they will pass you by so fast. You will be amazed at how quickly it is all over and done. And I know you will cherish every last minute, but the above stresses may hinder you just a little bit. So just try your best. You'll have pictures and videos that will allow you to relive the day, but nothing compares to being there. Being present. Try hard to stay in the moment.
Fourth, it's going to be hot on your wedding day. After a spring filled with rainy cool days (that seemed to fall on every single day you had a wedding shower) it will be in the 90's on May 27th and there is nothing you can do about it. Deal with it. Oh and stop being a brat and go take pictures outside with your bridesmaids. Nate and the boys did it and you're going to regret the fact that you didn't.
And fifth, more for your actual marriage, just remember this boy you are marrying is not a boy. He is a man. He is not perfect and neither are you. Your relationship will be different now that you are living together. There will be moments that you frustrate one another or endure difficulties. But honey, it's normal. And for every moment like those, you will have double in moments of joy and excitement. You'll have wonderful and amazing adventures. Five years into your marriage you will find yourself loving Nate more than you ever thought possible and still growing every single day. And that's what it's really all about.
Love,
Happily married five years Beth
Some of what I wrote to myself is a little tongue and cheek and I just want to say here and now I have ZERO major regrets about our wedding day - but many of those things I wrote about are true and if I could change them, I might. But it truly was the happiest day of my life and I look back on it with nothing but joy in my heart.
4/8/11
Party like it's 1999
Yeah, I know, been quiet on the ole blog here this week. Just haven't had much exciting things to share! Nothing wrong with that. Anyway, I was listening to the Current this morning (what else do I listen to?) and they do a 9:30 coffee break where they pick a theme and ask for suggestions. Today's theme was 1999 - as in the year, not the Prince song. So I Googled songs from 1999 for the fun of it and man, what is it about music that brings memories flooding back so easily? Many of the songs I found totally put me back in 1999 and I thought for fun I'd share my thoughts today. Let's go back 12 years...
In 1999, I was finishing my junior year of high school and beginning my senior year. Nate and I had been dating for one year.
A typical Friday night for us consisted of either going to a movie after dinner or watching movies in my parent's basement.
A typical Saturday night for us was usually spent out at dinner after I sang for 5:00 mass at church. Sometimes we'd go with my parents, sometimes we'd go alone. Usually followed up with more movies in my parents basement. So exciting.
We spent every Thursday night at church for youth group.
We went to Y-Teens, Sadie Hawkins and Prom in 1999. I had a lead in the spring play, Harvey.
I had a summer job at Homeplace - a "home goods" store that used to be at Northtown Mall and is no longer in business. I hated every second of that job, but wanted to prove my independence to my parents, so that's why I took it. Nate worked for Franks Nursery and Crafts - unlike me, he actually liked his job and still worked there during the school year. I started my job in June and quit by the second week of August.
I attended Music Ministry Alive for the first time that summer - one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Also became a cantor at church for the first time.
I went to Maine with Nate's family that summer as well. And managed to also spend a week in a cabin up north with my parents too. Guess that summer was all about traveling!
The fall took us into our senior year. Pep band at Friday night football games. Other school activities consuming our time a little more than usual because it was the "last" time for some of it.
We both turned 18 that November. I started applying for colleges. Making the slow transition to "adulthood". Celebrated the end of the milenium at Nate's house with his sister and a friend of ours, somewhat low key, but we were never big "partiers". We were who we were and didn't really care what others thought.
I remember those days with wistful fondness - they were some of the best of times really. Carefree, innocent. I wouldn't trade where I am now of course, as I love my life now too, but 1999 was a good year in my life. And I'm glad that music can have the ability to take me back.
Soundtrack for this post: Slide - the Goo Goo Dolls
Steal My Sunshine - Len
Silent All These Years - Tori Amos
Hands - Jewel
Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground
(Radio station of choice in 1999 was 104.1 The Point - it does not exist any longer!)
In 1999, I was finishing my junior year of high school and beginning my senior year. Nate and I had been dating for one year.
A typical Friday night for us consisted of either going to a movie after dinner or watching movies in my parent's basement.
A typical Saturday night for us was usually spent out at dinner after I sang for 5:00 mass at church. Sometimes we'd go with my parents, sometimes we'd go alone. Usually followed up with more movies in my parents basement. So exciting.
We spent every Thursday night at church for youth group.
We went to Y-Teens, Sadie Hawkins and Prom in 1999. I had a lead in the spring play, Harvey.
I had a summer job at Homeplace - a "home goods" store that used to be at Northtown Mall and is no longer in business. I hated every second of that job, but wanted to prove my independence to my parents, so that's why I took it. Nate worked for Franks Nursery and Crafts - unlike me, he actually liked his job and still worked there during the school year. I started my job in June and quit by the second week of August.
I attended Music Ministry Alive for the first time that summer - one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Also became a cantor at church for the first time.
I went to Maine with Nate's family that summer as well. And managed to also spend a week in a cabin up north with my parents too. Guess that summer was all about traveling!
The fall took us into our senior year. Pep band at Friday night football games. Other school activities consuming our time a little more than usual because it was the "last" time for some of it.
We both turned 18 that November. I started applying for colleges. Making the slow transition to "adulthood". Celebrated the end of the milenium at Nate's house with his sister and a friend of ours, somewhat low key, but we were never big "partiers". We were who we were and didn't really care what others thought.
I remember those days with wistful fondness - they were some of the best of times really. Carefree, innocent. I wouldn't trade where I am now of course, as I love my life now too, but 1999 was a good year in my life. And I'm glad that music can have the ability to take me back.
Soundtrack for this post: Slide - the Goo Goo Dolls
Steal My Sunshine - Len
Silent All These Years - Tori Amos
Hands - Jewel
Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground
(Radio station of choice in 1999 was 104.1 The Point - it does not exist any longer!)
3/22/11
A guy, a girl and a train
There is still part of me that just can't let this day, March 22nd, go by without acknowledging a very important thing that happened.
A train trip. Many, many hours on a train. Flirting. Talking. Connecting.
Yes it was this day 13 years ago that Nate and I became a couple. We don't celebrate this anniversary any longer as our wedding anniversary is just over two months from now, but again, I can't let this day go by without thinking about it. Remembering. Reflecting. Feeling a wee bit nostalgic. But mostly feeling thankful and blessed.
Thankful and blessed to have had these amazing 13 years and thankful and blessed for all the years to come. There's no one else I want to share the journey of life with.
2/24/11
The birthday party
Nate and I are coming up on 13 total years together next month and then five years of marriage in May. Hard to believe sometimes. I think just about everyone who comes here knows the story of how we got together, on a high school band trip to New Orleans. But, it is a little known fact that actually, the story starts a little before that trip. It starts actually back around this time of February at a friend's birthday party.
Recently I told the story of B, the guy who wasn't so good for me. It was shortly before this birthday party that I realized he wasn't good for me and had more or less broke things off, though we remained tentative friends. And somehow, B and a friend of his ended up riding to the party with me. I sort of remember not being happy about it, but for whatever reason, it worked out that way. And I know for a fact as soon as we arrived that evening I split off from B and his friend as soon as I could.
The party was at my friend's aunt's place downtown - really awesome party room and indoor pool from what I remember. It was a very large party with a fair number of our classmates and even those from grades above and below ours, including Nate and his sister. Now of course, I had known Nate forever, but it seemed lately that our paths were crossing more and more, getting put into groups together at school or being seated near each other in class but this party was the first time our social paths had really connected.
I vaguely remember talking to him while we were eating or something. Then the group decided to go swimming. And of course, teenage boys being boys, started splashing the girls and throwing them around in the pool, over their shoulder or whatever. A way of showing off how strong they were I'm sure. Nate came up to me and asked if I wanted him to throw me. And me, not missing at all that this was a flirtatious moment and liking the attention said of course. I do remember thinking "wow he's really strong." And I'm pretty sure I let him do it a few more times. We chatted a bit and I commented that I kind of wished there was a sauna somewhere. He commented that there was a hot tub and I then noticed a couple of my friends were dangling their feet in the hot tub and so I told him I was going to go hang out with them.
So I was chatting with my friends and may have even mentioned that I liked the flirting with Nate, I don't remember for sure, and all of a sudden, he comes over and said "Hey, I found a sauna, it's over there, want to go check it out?" Get your minds out of the gutters, it was perfectly innocent, but me being a fraidy cat grabbed another one of my friends and made her go with me. As we're walking, B and his friend came over and they're like, "where are you guys going?" And my loudmouth friend said "to a sauna over there, want to come with?" so of course, B decided to follow us.
The conversations the four of us had while we sat in there I'm surprised didn't turn Nate completely off to me because well, B was being a jerk and I was dishing it right back out to him and not really painting myself in a very good light. I specifically remember agreeing with my girlfriend about what a "hottie" Leonardo DiCaprio was and kind of going on and on about it - when really, I was never that into Leo. After we'd had our fill of the sauna I think we went back and swam some more but my connection with Nate had kind of passed for that moment -but it was clear there was a spark. I pretty much knew I had a crush on him. I remember wanting to stay at the party later, but having brought B and his friend, ending up agreeing to go home when they were ready to go home. There was something about that night though, I knew somehow that my life was about to change in a big way.
After that night Nate and I continued to find our paths crossing quite a bit for the next several weeks (maybe more purposely than before on each of our parts) culminating in me finding out pretty last minute that he was going on the band trip when he and I were the only students in our gym class taking a quiz that we were going to be missing. Then we went on the trip and the rest is history.
Of course he and I laugh about it now - I asked years later if I did indeed turn him off with my "Leo" talk and he said, "well it was surprising about you and I was glad it turned out to not necessarily be true." At any rate though, B or no B, I am so thankful we were both at that birthday party because really, that was the spark that started it all, even if it would take a few more weeks for us to truly find our way to each other!
And I know that the friend who's party that was reads this blog - so thank you JL, your birthday will always be one I won't forget!
Recently I told the story of B, the guy who wasn't so good for me. It was shortly before this birthday party that I realized he wasn't good for me and had more or less broke things off, though we remained tentative friends. And somehow, B and a friend of his ended up riding to the party with me. I sort of remember not being happy about it, but for whatever reason, it worked out that way. And I know for a fact as soon as we arrived that evening I split off from B and his friend as soon as I could.
The party was at my friend's aunt's place downtown - really awesome party room and indoor pool from what I remember. It was a very large party with a fair number of our classmates and even those from grades above and below ours, including Nate and his sister. Now of course, I had known Nate forever, but it seemed lately that our paths were crossing more and more, getting put into groups together at school or being seated near each other in class but this party was the first time our social paths had really connected.
I vaguely remember talking to him while we were eating or something. Then the group decided to go swimming. And of course, teenage boys being boys, started splashing the girls and throwing them around in the pool, over their shoulder or whatever. A way of showing off how strong they were I'm sure. Nate came up to me and asked if I wanted him to throw me. And me, not missing at all that this was a flirtatious moment and liking the attention said of course. I do remember thinking "wow he's really strong." And I'm pretty sure I let him do it a few more times. We chatted a bit and I commented that I kind of wished there was a sauna somewhere. He commented that there was a hot tub and I then noticed a couple of my friends were dangling their feet in the hot tub and so I told him I was going to go hang out with them.
So I was chatting with my friends and may have even mentioned that I liked the flirting with Nate, I don't remember for sure, and all of a sudden, he comes over and said "Hey, I found a sauna, it's over there, want to go check it out?" Get your minds out of the gutters, it was perfectly innocent, but me being a fraidy cat grabbed another one of my friends and made her go with me. As we're walking, B and his friend came over and they're like, "where are you guys going?" And my loudmouth friend said "to a sauna over there, want to come with?" so of course, B decided to follow us.
The conversations the four of us had while we sat in there I'm surprised didn't turn Nate completely off to me because well, B was being a jerk and I was dishing it right back out to him and not really painting myself in a very good light. I specifically remember agreeing with my girlfriend about what a "hottie" Leonardo DiCaprio was and kind of going on and on about it - when really, I was never that into Leo. After we'd had our fill of the sauna I think we went back and swam some more but my connection with Nate had kind of passed for that moment -but it was clear there was a spark. I pretty much knew I had a crush on him. I remember wanting to stay at the party later, but having brought B and his friend, ending up agreeing to go home when they were ready to go home. There was something about that night though, I knew somehow that my life was about to change in a big way.
After that night Nate and I continued to find our paths crossing quite a bit for the next several weeks (maybe more purposely than before on each of our parts) culminating in me finding out pretty last minute that he was going on the band trip when he and I were the only students in our gym class taking a quiz that we were going to be missing. Then we went on the trip and the rest is history.
Of course he and I laugh about it now - I asked years later if I did indeed turn him off with my "Leo" talk and he said, "well it was surprising about you and I was glad it turned out to not necessarily be true." At any rate though, B or no B, I am so thankful we were both at that birthday party because really, that was the spark that started it all, even if it would take a few more weeks for us to truly find our way to each other!
And I know that the friend who's party that was reads this blog - so thank you JL, your birthday will always be one I won't forget!
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